Friday, November 22, 2019

{a slight madness}

Feeling blessed and also rushed. The blessed part was talking to son in Florida on the phone this week, then talking to son in California, then son who's recently moved back in town came over for several hours yesterday. And the totally lovely part is that they all initiated.  I love them so. 

The rushed part is the yearly performance of the holidays which seriously overwhelms me. Is it being such an introvert that twists me up? 

I try to figure out exactly what makes me so mental, and I think basically it's expectations, both mine and my family's. This perfection junk in my head lurks about, teasing me, saying I won't get it right, and the simple joy of the holidays evades me. 

I think there are scores of women who echo my emotions right now. 

And seriously, the plans and guest list for Thanksgiving were fine until a family member, who will go nameless, invited someone from church to come without asking me first, and this one individual is twisting up my head. They're a friend, and I like them very much, but them coming is causing me to feel inadequate. Go figure. It's just dinner, but there are complications.  

But on the flipside, fourth son says his partner is excited about coming and wants to help cook. Apparently his family over in Arkansas tends to get into heated arguments at family dinners, and while we have our own issues, that's not one of them. He was startled to hear that there are no conditions to him coming. Just eat. 

Also, the least one's boyfriend wants to come early and help cook too. These boys... 

What my emotional self would really like to do is this:  Prepare the food, with whoever wants to help, set the table, light the candles, then I'd take myself off to the bedroom while everyone else eats. No kidding. Then I'd come up for air around 11pm, when I could be sure they're all gone. 

The cooking and cleaning isn't the problem. It's the socializing.  

Bingo. 

Yes, I can be socially awkward. 

Deep breaths. It's all going to be okay. Nothing dramatic going on, just holiday stresses. I have 2 of my girls to level me off, and honestly several dear people to feed. And the particular individual who's coming would to hate to know that they're causing me to fret. 

No big deal? Yeah, no big deal. Honestly. 

Just have to get to a place in my head where I feel chill. Working on that...