Monday, October 10, 2016

{warning...venting}

Seems way too often my head gets in the way of my heart. I'll want to do something and my head will tell me to wait until such-and-such is over, or there's extra money, or so-and-so straightens out. Good luck with that. Not workin' so good.

Now it's my mom. My brain says...I can do whatever-it-is when she's better. (Before this latest occurence with her my major barrier was when my boys straighten up.  Ha. Scratch that.) Not quite sure how to judge her improvement scale when she doesn't try, but my thoughts still run that way.

It's a mind game.

I'm seeing that stuff doesn't quit interrupting, and there really is a steady stream of other folks' junk that gets in my way. Feeling a bit of a fighting spirit, though.  Like a woman who's been approached in a store by someone who she believes intends to do her harm, or at the least makes her uncomfortable...the two choices are to run or get fiercely back in that person's face.

I'm tired of running.

In the mornings my girls ask what we're doing on that particular day. After school and regular grocery shopping and picking up their brother at work, we've added visiting my mom every other day. With finding a balance in bringing cheer to her room, we all struggle with the weight of her apathy.  Can't make other people care enough to get better. I walk out of her room toting such a load of emotional baggage.

Makes me angry.

And you know what's harmful in my mom's situation? Too much sympathy. The proverbial line about leading a horse to water fits here.  She does not want to drink, so to speak.

I can sense disapproval from others. I sound like a big meanie. I want to ask if they've had a loved one in rehab. Do we only share good news and avoid the ugly bits?  Is it disrespectful to get frustrated with my mom for not trying? How long do we allow her to wallow in her misery before we get tough? When will the bell go off in her head that gets her going? Will it go off? Will she spend the majority of her allowed days in rehab just lying in bed, refusing to work with the therapists?  Will she survive long enough to come home to us bed-ridden?

I shudder at the thought.

She told her best friend, a woman with spirit and a cancer survivor, that she's tired of being positive. Yeah, it's pretty awful to have a second stroke in 3 years and be right back in the same place.  I get it.  But God spared her for some reason.

No disrespect intended, but she needs to set her crown aside, and fight to live. And it is a fight. Spit in the face of that stroke and work.

Needed to vent. Sympathies to anyone else in our shoes. It ain't pretty.  And as long as the Lord graces us with another day, we need to have the decency to appreciate it for the miracle it is.

5 comments:

Kimberly~Nutbrown Cottage said...

It must be so hard to see her giving up. I can certainly see why she has lost the will to try. It takes energy, desire, strength, of which she has little at this point. You have my sympathy, my dear. No disapproval here. You're living this. I'm just reading about it. Hopefully, God has some sweet moments planned for you with your mom to make up for the burden you are bearing. His way of doing things is usually the longer, harder road. I wish it wasn't, but He knows what He's doing. Rest when you can. Be tough if need be. Love you!

Cathy said...

I am glad you decided to allow comments once again. I do not blog as often as I would like, but I have added you to my blogs and hope to read and comment when it works.

This is probably your avenue of a caregiving blog, just like my Shallow Pearls blog that was created for just that purpose when I was the full time caregiver to my parents over a period of 17 months( three years of caregiving with help prior to that time). No one, I mean no one, can understand what you are experiencing unless they have been in a caregiving role to a parent. They can sympathize, they can love you and they may help you, yet, they truly do not have the capability to know those gut-wrenching emotions that becomes your normal.

I have been there, therefore, so my heart hurts for you, and your family. Because it does involve the entire family; we would cry together, and we would laugh together to keep from crying.

While you are going through these days, time creeps by like those slow motion reels, but after it is all over, and it will end, you will realize it truly wasn't long enough. I do not mean to say I was not relieved when it was all over, but to experience God's marvelous grace during that time was priceless. Now I know it was His grace that carried me and that taught me the lessons I could not learn any other way.

You can not do this Melissa. Only IN HIM will you not only survive, but come out better, more molded in His image. Please let me know how I can specifically pray for you. I do care, and I do understand.

Bonnie said...

Very hard!
I love that photo on the headliner. Keep on and each day brings new mercies.
He said so.

M.K. said...

So sorry that she's had a 2nd stroke. You are right that you canNOT do it for her -- she must heal her own attitude and spirit. You can tend to her physically, but somehow you must have an emotional curtain between you. We have a friend with addictions who, after a leg amputation, has just gone off the deep end and seems to be killing himself with drink and smoking, like a man with a will to die. It's impossible to get him to change his behavior ... and at some crazy level, it does make sense to him. And at some level, your mom's way of living makes sense to her.
God has let her live, and in a heart-crushing way. But it may be that he's left her here so that you and your girls can learn a necessary lesson from it -- or several lessons, all different!

Charm and Grace said...

Praying for you, Melissa. I have been away from blogging for much too long and am trying to catch up. I was so glad to see a recent post from you. Writing, as I am sure I don't have to tell you, can be such wonderful therapy when you need to vent. And it is very evident that you do need that. It is a tough load you are carrying. I have spent the better part of the past year trying to encourage someone who seems to be intent on believing that whatever the newest "ailment" they are experiencing is "really serious." But, what they are really dealing with is a stronghold of fear, and the weight and strain of it at times is more than I can bear. But, not more than Jesus can bear. I am resting on that. I, for one, am here and willing to have you share your burdens. I miss that about blogging, and that is one of the reasons I am determined to get back to it.

Blessings and prayers,
Christi