Thursday, November 17, 2016

{a gathering of thoughts}

The Holy Spirit.  Love the Holy Spirit.  Making a mental bookmark here to share something.

Have felt my natural emotion of 'overwhelmedness' this week, trying to whip the house into shape for Thanksgiving company.  All wonderful to think about, but the physical labor required to do the whipping has been a challenge.  Not whining, though.  I'm loving seeing the house come together, especially with our two youngest girls being such a huge help.  In the old days, I'd be doing it mostly by myself, but they've been amazing.  And deep cleaning...mercy.  Nothing like taking everything down, dusting and wiping and then putting it all back, but in a different way.  Thrills me to do that.  All fresh and new.

Back to the Holy Spirit.  I was praying in our room yesterday afternoon, just thinking about my mom coming after Christmas, and it was stealing my JOY.  I'd already been super-busy with putting away some random things that morning, moving some things around while middle daughter repainted the kitchen cabinets (I know!  Her idea!), and our youngest was sorting and cleaning the hallway bookshelves, which are crammed with children's books.  Anyway, stole away for a bit of quiet and rest before we had to leave to fetch youngest son from his job.  Cried out to God for comfort.  Told Him I felt unable to take care of my mom, and it was making me miserable just thinking about it.

I literally felt the Spirit come down.  A quiet peace just wrapped around me  It was amazing.  Just peace. 

I don't have to think about after Christmas yet.  There IS time. 

Not sure what the solution is in regards to my emotional well-being.  I know of women who've taken in their parents and have done an amazing job.  And I know He is able to be the One who holds me up, but my goodness, the physical care she'll require is more than I can even imagine.  I just don't know.  Afraid we've bitten off more than we can chew.  Or maybe everyone else in my house is better at adapting.  Again, I just don't know.  Saying back two months ago that I was fine with taking her in and expecting her to recover more of her physical abilities is one thing.  Seeing her not improve hardly at all is something else entirely.  When she isn't at therapy, she's either in bed, or sitting in her wheelchair.  Not very encouraging.  She can't get up and walk by herself, even with a walker, and her own mental state is unstable.  And the bathroom usage isn't even in the equation.  See what I mean about it being hard?  I feel so lame fussing, but this is the way I feel in my heart.

Folks don't always share the messy bits, but those are the parts that hurt.  And maybe we're too proud, or feel we're being disrespectful.  Call me all of those things, but this is just my life as it stands right now.  I want somebody else to handle the messy parts, but have to face the fact that as things stand now, I might not get my wish.

But the feeling I got yesterday was one of letting go.  Not focusing on two months from now.  Enjoying now and the weeklong visit from our son and his new wife.  Appreciate what's in front of me and finding a deep contentment in our holiday.  Cooking with my children.  Seeing my boys, albeit I'm not sure how that will play, we will see them. 

The Lord certainly struck a chord when He talked about not worrying about tomorrow.  I get it.

Warm today and sunny.  Rain expected tomorrow (I hope so, it's been so dry) and really chilly afterward.  Perfect weather for Thankgiving. 

Take care.

4 comments:

podso said...

Yes focus on the moment. Tomorrow will take care of itself? I hope you get rain and that it heads our way.

Come Away With Me said...

God's peace to you and your family, Melissa. That quiet peace that (sometimes) wraps around us when we call out with all our hearts. Always. And blessings to you all on Thanksgiving Day and beyond. I am thankful for YOU and your words here. You are a blessing. So often I want to comment here but can only come up with trite things to say. However, I always visit and read and empathize in many ways. Love, Sara

Aneta said...

Melissa, thanks for sharing the 'messy bits'. We are all human and we all can relate in some way, I'm sure, to being overwhelmed and totally inadequate (and maybe even fearful!). Some of us just don't write about it. ;) Wanted you to know that although I don't comment much at all, I do catch up on your blog now and then and I pray for you and your family regularly.
I understand about furniture rearranging.. that always lifts my spirits, too! I always say 'when you can't afford new things, just rearrange the old'. :)
Enjoy your time with your son and new wife. Special times!

Charm and Grace said...

Glad you were able to have that moment with the Lord... He is Emmanuel through the Holy Spirit. May you cling to that in the days and weeks to come. I have no great words of encouragement for you beyond that. Life is hard, daily. But joy and peace in the Holy Spirit are REAL, and without Him I wonder how anyone copes with life? Makes me think of a very old Steven Curtis Chapman song, "His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on. Raised in His power the weak become strong. His strength is perfect; His strength is perfect." May you find it to be so.