It's the short, cutting comments, maybe said in frustration, but still, they smart. Medications talking? Perhaps. Doesn't make it alright to a heart, though. Does she talk in that tone and with those words with anyone else? 'Course not. Daughters in this situation have shared their own experiences with me and I'm so very grateful. How brothers are put on pedestals, while the daughters who literally get their hands dirty are treated like there's no question but that they'll sacrifice to the point of craziness, because the brothers have dropped the ball.
Daily putting on your Big Boy Pants, mentally preparing every darn morning for the comments about pain (it changes daily), her not sleeping, questions about when the therapist is coming, the remarks about dizziness, why won't her cellphone work....it's a broken record. Same conversation every morning. And always apologies for me having to do for her. The soothing talk I have to maintain so she's not upset. I can be pulling my hair out, wishing for a bag of oranges to throw, but in front of her I have to play nice, because that's what daughters do. Play nice, especially to an 88 year old brain-busted mother who plain wears me out.
Shoot, she could be mother of the year and I'd still be exhausted. And this could go on for years.
Odd thing, or maybe not: One of her medications, which is a muscle relaxant, is strongly recommended to not be taken by the elderly. Can effect cognitive behavior (well, we have definite issues with that), and can cause delusions. We've been there too. Another prescription for arthritis causes short-term dizziness and irritability. Well, she's a stinker at times anyway, so not sure the pill makes that any worse. Took her off that one for a couple of days and the dizziness stopped. Huh. But what are you going to do? Schedule another doctor's visit? Well, no. Everything is time-consuming and too much trouble. The getting her out of the house, etc. Not worth it. So I just talked to the CNA today who was here to bathe her and she said I needed to give the pills more time. She said sometimes the side effects can disappear when a patient's system is used to it. I'm good with that.
But why do we stuff folks full of medications with such a huge list of possible problems, hoping for some tiny bit of relief? Why do we play Russian roulette like that? It's sort of ridiculous. Truly I don't have room in my head to care that much. I go on auto-pilot, just maintaining some form of routine that gives a sense of stability.
Suffering isn't allowed. You dose 'em up and say that if this doesn't work, we'll try something else. Truly my mom has a pain on the side of her calf. No bruising. The doctor said it was nothing. Well, okay. Works for me. Today my mom thought he'd given her a prescription specifically for that pain. She already has pain meds, but thought she'd gotten another one. She's become a sucker for a quick fix. Ah, the great god of pharmaceuticals. Let us all fall down and worship.
I shake my head.
She goes to bed at about seven. So thankful for that.