Wednesday, January 18, 2017

{wednesday}

Easy to get confused if you're me. My life is not my own. I get stuck with wanting to appear upbeat and optimistic, and automatically slide toward getting overwhelmed. Feeling like I disappoint. Folks watch how you manage caregiving and either get it or wonder sometimes at the angst. Most times, I'm just so exhausted, both physically and mentally, and no amount of playacting can please everyone. 

My mom, who honestly, has consistently failing health, is a mental challenge for me. I want to be compassionate, and you'd be proud of me. I am. But her moods reflect off of me. If I'm quiet, she takes it as an afront, it hurts her feelings and she then turns inward. She, as an extrovert, requires lots of social involvement. I have to play up to her and it plain wears me out. It's like everyday I have just so many words to say. My mom wants more. Remember.  She's a princess. A nicer version of the narcissist she used to be, but it's still in there. The strokes have tamed her, but what a price.

And because of this situation with having my mom here, my girls need me more. My well sometimes runs dry. My girls are my priority during the day, yet my mom's care is so extensive.

There are no easy answers.

Yesterday was stressful. Seems Mom experienced a TIA. Oldest daughter and I watched the progression of it and we all were drained afterward. Later, after a nap she seemed back to normal, her normal, which brings a new normal to all of us. She admitted to struggling with slurred speech the other day as well.

Not sure how to deal with this but by God's grace. I'm no champion, but a very flawed human. Every morning I get up kicking and screaming at, what I sometimes consider, a bad hand of cards. My brothers are way in the background, apparently scared of involvement. But you deal. There are no options.

It's called being a grown-up.

4 comments:

podso said...

You get through each day, somehow (God's grace), only to wake up and begin again. I'm guessing each day drags a bit. It's so good you have some kids home. They are seeing a rawer part of life.

Gloriade said...

Blessings Melissa, I lift you up often in my prayers. You are doing your very best to honor and care for your mother and that's all anyone could ask. Perhaps you can contact your Senior Services and see if they have any volunteers who could come in and keep your mom company a few hours a week while you spend time with your girls?

Peggy Lineberry said...

My heart aches for you and my prayers go up for you every night. Catching up on all you are going through brought memories of mother back. Though she was in hospice care she wouldn't let anyone touch her but me. My brother said nights with her and she praised him to everyone. I was with 12 hours a day, bathing, changing, doing her bidding yet I was useless. Wish I had an answer for you that would make it easier. Just know love and prayers are constantly being sent to you. Take of yourself my friend

Bonnie said...

You are amazing! Love and prayers...