Listening to Mercy Me's song called Even If. Over and over as loud as my earphones will play. I need this. Mercy. And Ryan Stevenson's songs The Gospel and Eye of the Storm. Loud.
I look at how life is playing lately. God has been so generous, even with our bad attitudes, He's faithful. Here's a brief example: We've been without a working oven (only top burners working) for over a month. Two birthdays with store bought cake and pie. Not a big deal, but I've missed baking. I found what I wanted at a local hardware store, but they didn't have it in stock, only delivered, which added 60 bucks to the price. My goal, since I found exactly what I wanted, was to find the price I could pay keeping in mind with the added delivery fee. Found it. My next challenge was to have it delivered at a good time. What was so wonderful (and this might be a small thing to some folks) was that it was delivered first thing this morning and we didn't have to wait all day AND my husband was here to greet the delivery guys and hook it up. I stayed in bed. I know. Luxury. As I said, a small thing, but it blessed me. I'd prayed specifically last night that it would be delivered first thing today and that my husband would still be here before he left for work. It was important to me. The delivery guy called at 7:20 this morning. How cool is that?
Like I say, even with our often, bad attitudes, God blesses. He's let me know He appreciates us having Mom here, no matter. As I've said, we're just sinners, but yes, having Mom here is the thing to do. Bet you never figured you'd hear me say that, did you? Sometimes, most times darn hard, but she's safe. Even when I want to run out of the house, I know this is right. You think I'm kidding? Even when she makes no sense, is argumentative, lies to the nurse or is unreasonable, it's the thing to do. Sometimes I think I'll go nuts, but still, I've not gone totally crazy. Still, don't recommend it. If you ask me, Would it be a good idea to have my mom/dad live with us? I'd say no. A big no. But do you send the person who raised you to a state nursing home? Well, no. You don't do that. Remember your children are watching how you manage this situation and some day you'll be old. I shiver. Maybe your parents have made financial plans to live in a decent, possibly church-based assisted living situation. Great idea. Awesome. Sell their house and go for it, if you can.
Remember, caring for a disabled parent is NOT the same as caring for your children when they were growing up. Don't pretend it is. That's one line you'll hear from folks who've never done this. You're older, have children you're still raising and to add a parent is almost impossible to your peace of mind. Just plain nuts.
Thank goodness for herbal supplements and Bach's Flower Remedies. And prayer. Not necessarily in that order. Most days I'm holding on by a thread. Seriously. I pray and ask for forgiveness. Ask Him to help me with my pitiful attitude. To continue to show His face to us even when we royally mess up. When we snap and get frustrated. When my mom stretches our patience by her behavior. When she sticks out her lip in her own impatience. And don't worry about her. She can hold her own. She's stronger than any of us.
I forget her messed up brain, sometimes judging her beside the person she used to be. Her mind is altered with the strokes, which doesn't make it easier, but more confusing.
Just grace for the day. With bits of madness, today has been good.