Gotta get it in gear.
Nurse and her administrator due here today, probably before lunch. Same with Mom's aide. Bath-time. Let's just get it over with.
I can feel myself turning more inward, not always a happy place for a depressed person.
Nothing seems to change in a positive way, and why should it? My mom has had 2 major strokes in 3 years, and 6 TIAs in the last 5 months. If anything her brain quality is diminishing. Therapists come. Therapists go. Questions of an intimate nature ALL the time. Try to work up interest in discussing my mom's bathroom habits (don't care), her activity level (don't care), blood pressure (don't care), etc. Raised eyebrows when her ankles swell. Drinking your water? Doing your exercises? See you next week.
Need to find my happy place. Going to library book sale with youngest son today, not that I actually need any more books. He's off work for the weekend.
It's a minute by minute situation. Mental survival in little bits and pieces. Feeling my loved ones sometimes losing patience with me, but I just need them to live in my head sometimes. Some days coping takes every bit of energy I can muster. This is one of those days. Put on a happy face. Let my girls see that I'm not drowning. Be nice to my mother who sometimes agonizes in finding the correct thought to express. So tired of walking by her room and seeing her sitting. Staring. I know she can't help it, but that doesn't help in our coping. The situation remains.
Try not to hate my brothers for not keeping in touch. For their lackadaisical attitudes, false intense sincerity. Tossing money from time to time in Mom's bank account. Hush money. Call and listen to me. Let me vent. Hear my voice catch. Make a sacrifice of your time. Anything. Something.
Today. Lay my head on the beehive. Listen to the symphony of their buzzing. Sit with my chickens. Turn off the madness in my spirit. Slow down. Putter. Rest. Avoid confrontation. Forgive when possible. Trust the Lord has this, though frankly I sometimes wonder. His timing is perfect, though again, not so sure.
One son tells me when the day has lots in store to pretend you only have that next thing to do. That's all. One task done well as if it's the only one. Magical. I can do that.