Thursday, February 8, 2018

{back again...slowly, slowly}

Learning to be quiet.  Do things slowly.  Quit getting into such a state.

My husband says I've made a bad habit of thinking everything is DIRE.  Toss a situation in front of me, doesn't matter what it is, if there's a tiny glitch, and I mean tiny, I'll have instantly built it up to something of great consequence.  Fear. 

Do you know how hard it is to reverse this?  The dire part?  Man.  I'd gotten so that there are monsters behind every situation. 

Such a relief to be on the mend.  Still caught in the middle of some stuff I can't fix, but as oldest daughter says...it's like my girls have been afraid of what I'll do when the next thing comes up.  The next thing that comes up behind me and says Boo.  Not being self-destructive, nothing like that, but more like my emotions have been so fragile and my tough-guy-I-can-handle-everything-that-comes-my-way attitude is gone.  My coping skills are sorta shot.

Other folks can seem to say no to situations and get on with life.  My way is that if I dare to say no, then I disappoint other people, so might as well suck it up and do whatever needs doing, no matter if it drives me nuts.  Got to serve others.

Done with that.

And don't get me started to reading the news.  Oh no.  Or read stuff in books with kidnappings and worries.  I'm into mellow now. 

I baked a cake the other night.  How long has that been?  Took time in making a certain recipe for dinner, after getting into the habit of flying through dinner preparations.  Crocheted on a baby blanket.  Cleaned our bedroom really well.  Got out a pile of books to put by my side of the bed.  Books that make me settle inside.  Nothing stressful.  My own personal, padded cell.

Everyone has a place where all the stuff that's gone before needs to stop for a bit.  A place where no more is really no more.  Kind of enjoying the rest.  The not feeling guilty for lying down in the afternoons, not that I've felt guilty, but there's always something to do.

Finding out that the Lord would have me be JOYFUL in my life.  Not dire.  Not worrying about the monsters.  Letting past heartbreaks mend over a bit.  Build a callous.  Know that even hard times can turn into blessings if we get out of the way.

Bean and ham soup for dinner.  Cleaning out the freezer and cupboards for meals the next few days.  I used to do this all the time and it's amusing to do it again.  Getting in touch with the old me, even though the new me is okay, just a bit battle-scarred.

Here I am!  Knew I was tucked in here somewhere.



1 comment:

M.K. said...

Hmm. Much to think on, in this post. I have had so much awful stress and really horrible things happen, years ago, and my husband has told me that it's really a lie -- this thing they tell you, that the hard things we face just make us stronger. The hard times make us fragile. They leave scars and damage. It takes years to recover, and often it's not a return to how we used to be. My anxiety is not natural to me, but it's a result of those times. I have to pay careful attention to my moods and emotions, be sure I'm not slipping into anxiety or depression for no reason. Like you, I need quiet safe places. And I must be able to EXIT things that are harmful. I'm not used to being that quitter.