Have felt in a daze. And I'm talking months, maybe years, and I'm not exaggerating. It's like a fog has been covering me, but now, I can begin to breathe again.
Partly it's been caused by a current crisis in extended family relationships. Partly by my exhaustion in caring for my mom. She left our home for rehab in August, ending up in a nursing home (applying for her Medicaid to be reinstated now), and I've been so mentally tired. Not coping well. Reading like an addict. I don't drink or do drugs. I read and everything came to a head.
Sometimes something pretty dramatic has to happen before clarity comes. A climax. A drama. An explosion.
I sat in church on Saturday after doing the flowers and setting up Communion and it was absolutely silent in there. I was desperate about a situation, kept getting panicky, and needing some peace. The Lord spoke, reminding me that HE controls everything. It's all under His hands. All of it. Now, I have head knowledge of this, but heart knowledge is sometimes a bit sketchy.
When the reality of those words hit me, I felt such a calm. I got up encouraged and the panic left.
I'm not running the show and that's all there is to it. Still get hit with waves of panic, but I run to the Psalms. I dealt with a phonecall this morning that was causing me constant fear being that the person I needed to speak to had been out of the office for days, and I wasn't sure how the conversation would play out.
All was well. Anxiety misplaced.
It's not enough for me to read the Word alone. I have to let it sink in and apply it.
Sometimes I'm a slow learner.