Tuesday, February 6, 2018

{peace}

Have felt in a daze. And I'm talking months, maybe years, and I'm not exaggerating. It's like a fog has been covering me, but now, I can begin to breathe again.

Partly it's been caused by a current crisis in extended family relationships. Partly by my exhaustion in caring for my mom. She left our home for rehab in August, ending up in a nursing home (applying for her Medicaid to be reinstated now), and I've been so mentally tired. Not coping well. Reading like an addict. I don't drink or do drugs. I read and everything came to a head.

Sometimes something pretty dramatic has to happen before clarity comes. A climax. A drama. An explosion.

I sat in church on Saturday after doing the flowers and setting up Communion and it was absolutely silent in there. I was desperate about a situation, kept getting panicky, and needing some peace. The Lord spoke, reminding me that HE controls everything. It's all under His hands. All of it. Now, I have head knowledge of this, but heart knowledge is sometimes a bit sketchy.

When the reality of those words hit me, I felt such a calm. I got up encouraged and the panic left.

I'm not running the show and that's all there is to it. Still get hit with waves of panic, but I run to the Psalms. I dealt with a phonecall this morning that was causing me constant fear being that the person I needed to speak to had been out of the office for days, and I wasn't sure how the conversation would play out.

All was well. Anxiety misplaced.

It's not enough for me to read the Word alone. I have to let it sink in and apply it.

Sometimes I'm a slow learner.

2 comments:

Sara Lorayne said...

Ah yes, that head knowledge versus heart knowledge, experiential knowledge! It's how He teaches us to trust Him, as I know you know. It's a lesson I keep on having to learn . . . I guess that's true for most of us. Glad you found the peace.

podso said...

I always feel a little jealous of your time at church alone when you do the flowers and ready it for Sunday. It sounds like such a good time to have some alone time with God and yourself. And your new header is absolutely stunning!