Tuesday, June 12, 2018

{many things}

How long can a person be in a mental fog before something has to change?  Can you stay in that state indefinitely?  Hmmmm.  Seems I can.

Maybe partly it's my age. 59. Or lots going on.  Or this heat.  Nah, can't blame the weather because I've feel this way for the longest time.  My brain is just in this zone and I sit and stare. What is UP with that?  Just so darned apathetic.  Maybe I need a mental vacation.  Pardon me while I ramble.

Thankful for summer months, though.  Lower expectations of myself, though still busy with kids and little Hazel.  She was here yesterday and had caught the cold and congestion we've passed around.  Seems everyone has it.  Church too.  Hazel's mom had just stopped breastfeeding her and laughed yesterday at the timing.  As soon as she puts her on formula, here comes the first cold. 

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Oldest daughter moves out on Friday to a really wonderful studio apartment here in town.  The building is about 100 years old, kept up beautifully and has excellent security.  Interesting how the Lord has worked it out for her.  Clearly His hand on her.  Actually, the best price in town and fills all her needs, yet really small.  She keeps going through her stash, putting things in the attic here, realizing she's going to be pressed for space.  Perfect for one person, though.  We're excited.

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And military son comes home today from all his medical testing from the last week.  Back and forth. Have to make sure the soldiers are in shape both mentally and physically for their deployment.  He leaves for his 9 month stint a month from today.  Trying not to dwell too much on it.  His wife says that the reality of him leaving is weighing on her.  I realize it's hard for her to have to depend more on us and her parents with watching little Hazel, but it can't be helped.  Hard for everyone's lives to be more full, but we'll all manage, one day at a time.  Sort of making her and me nuts, though.  Not with one another, but with thinking about it. The title Military Mom is one I carry proudly, but it's a burden as well as a blessing.

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A writer whose work I've reviewed a few times takes a sabbatical period during the summer.  She walks away from her Instagram, Facebook, blog and email (which I find amazing...the email part), for a couple of months.  Apparently she's done this several years.  It's her sanity break, which I totally understand.

Focus.  That's what I need, and what this author is, I think, attempting.  If you get on your phone for any period of time, your poor brain is inundated with way too much information.  Personally, I'm weary of bad news, or at least, news I have no business reading about.  Used to, my dad would read the morning and evening local papers.  He might watch the news while dinner was cooking, and generally speaking, it was a repeat of what he'd just read, but that was the extent of his intake.  There was a limit.  Now if I fall on a headline that's heartbreaking, I just say no, can't read it, moving on.  There's no room for it.

Nothing new I'm saying.  Lots of folks are talking about the same things.  Information overload. 

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Middle daughter told me the other day that one of the women she works with was going to call a local bakery to see if they'd sold out of their special unicorn cupcakes.  She had a craving and just wanted one.  I love that.  Just a sweet something to look forward to.  That's what I'm needing.  Little perks that add sparkle to a day.  Excuses for joy.  As if we should have an excuse.  My daughters like to go to Dunkin Donuts to get flavored iced coffees.  The vanilla is wonderful, and much cheaper than that huge coffee conglomerate I refuse to frequent anymore, not that I was very frequent in going. 

So for this summer I'm going to make an effort to let go of some things and mentally rest.  I already have a routine of setting a tea tray in the morning, which I can't seem to face the day without. It's necessary.  I need to paint more (completed a canvas the other day) and find time to sit and enjoy things.  I tend to sit and go into that fog.  Used to, I'd cross-stitch and bake fun things.  I'd make time.  Things weigh more on me now, mostly relationships.  Must get into the mindset of taking care of TODAY what is possible for me, and let the other things go.  Limit that brain overload. And be intentional about things I enjoy doing.

Read most of Richard Russo's newest book called Trajectory the other day.  It's got several short pieces in it, long short stories.  The second one called Voice was excellent.  Really struck a chord with me, like he was able to get into my head.  His language gets really rough in the last story, which I've not finished and may not, but the first and second ones in the book are beautifully done.  Also just finished a book by Paula Treick DeBoard called The Fragile World, which spoke to my heart as well. The ending took me for a spin, but everything before the ending was so well-written.  The main character's struggles with fear were amazing.  Totally related.

I want more magic. Realizing that rarely will the magic come to me, I need to make room for it and draw it near.  Not always easy, but much needed.

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