Tuesday, September 25, 2018

{listening to my heart}

"I think of my parents, of what they were like in the aftermath of that terrible night---and, indeed, have been ever since.  Subdued, as if someone had turned the volume down."-from a book by Melanie Raabe

Finally found a sentence written by someone, other than me, that portrays my mindset of the past 5 years.  Seeing the light, ever so briefly, from time to time.  Recovering from so much family stress.  Thanking my paper journals today for always listening to me, never correcting me or getting weary of me writing the same thing, day after day.  Trying to make sense of life, and making attempts to find a safe place for my thoughts.

A safe place.  The mental health sites talk about finding safety.  Security.  For me, that's basic.  We all need safe places to think out loud and not be judged, maybe mainly because no one can actually get in our heads.  And I tend to repeat myself as I try to figure out things.

My heart pounds.

Rather than avoid all the unpleasant thoughts that certain extended members of my family stir, I'm trying to take things out, look them over and bury them.  Like offering forgiveness.  Sometimes you have to repeatedly forgive others because once just doesn't do it.  Wish it was more instantaneous and magical, but it's not.  Humanity creeps in.  I want to bury some things for good.  Hard to do.

Time to move on.

Shut and bolted doors can be so attractive, and in the case of extended family members, very much so.

I'm teaching myself French, still doing my herbal studies, but need to ramp that up a bit, painting when I find a moment to sit still and get things out, and have the papers and doodads I need to decorate my dollhouse for Peppa Pig.  Lots to do, and must, simply MUST allow myself time for all of them.  There's sanity in that.

Also, have turned comments off.  I do write more freely when I know comments are closed.  Please email if you want to chat or commiserate, or whatever.  The address is linked at the bottom of this page.  Those of you who have recently commented, thank you.  Always appreciated dearly, so dearly.

Must be off to the store now. The least one (who's 16 now!) craves tacos and some sort of baked sweet.  Take care.