Tuesday, July 2, 2019

{emptying my wee brain}

Seems I've gone into hermit mode again. But that's ok. Summer. I blame summer.

Bear with me. I need to purge.

So, I've been painting, drawing, keeping the house- inside and out-tidy. Food in the house. Repelling the wolves who I imagine always at the door. Buying too much meat for the freezer, because I like to be well-stocked. I think something is often subtly going on in my head, making me behave a certain way. Having ample supplies satisfies me, but then off I'll go, buying more meat.

Maybe I'm superstitious.  Probably. Do this, this, and this and then that won't happen.

Transplant situation nagging, always nagging at the back of my head. Like a leaky faucet. One of our friends at church says the recipient won't live to see the transplant. Her take on the matter. He isn't well-looking, that's a fact. I guess that's expected, though. He's 72, I think, has heart issues, a new heart valve plus a new pacemaker, requires help walking...all related to his kidney failure.

I don't have a good attitude. I admit it.

I have a husband, 63 years old, in excellent health, except for some breathing issues he experiences in the heat from his past smoking history. He vapes now.

My fears? Pretty evident. The status quo is my safe place. Cliches like 'don't rock the boat.'

There's this part of myself I dislike, but I go there often, sadly. When I feel from someone their disappointment in my weakness, no matter what those weaknesses are, I get defensive and feel inadequate, as if I have no right to those feelings. Say, the occasional person at church who is close to the kidney recipient, praising my husband all over the place, but unable to see past that (yes, I would appear selfish to some, I'm sure, if they'd trouble themselves to see the extent of the trickle down...), and all the while my eyes glaze over.

There comes a time in some people's lives when they've had enough. I envy those who appear to float through life, repelling the stingers that hover.

Yes, I realize Jesus is my safe place when the status quo evaporates before my eyes. When I don't have the ability to see past today, He is there. 

'Sufficient unto the day...'  Oh yes.

But...do you sense a 'but' coming?

This situation has been a part of our lives for over a year, since my husband impulsively offered his kidney one Sunday after church. Since then, it's been that ever-present shadow.

One of the men our oldest daughter works with, a strong Christian, told me the other day he's speaking against the transplant, that's how he's praying, saying he means no ill to the man at church, but doesn't want to see my husband possibly jeopardize his own health and the safety of our family. He apologized for speaking against what I might feel, but I was so shocked at what he said, I just mumbled that he could pray any way he felt led.

Wow.

Loaded situation for many folks. This praying man spent 10k on kidney-related health issues a few years back and takes kidney health very seriously, especially if you have no problems. Why rock the boat?

Father Tim in Mitford says to pray the prayer that never fails: Thy will be done. I know. I know.

For those who might roll their eyes at me, tell me to get over myself, put the sick man with stage 4 kidney failure first, I say, 'Please give me room to be upset. You have no idea. Nobody can give me a 100% guarantee this will turn out well FOR US.'

Yes, the stats will say the donor usually has no problems after surgery. I've heard this countless times.  But...

So, to recap...the recipient goes to be evaluated next Wednesday, the 10th. It'll be final. No more tests, which have been endless on both sides. No more delays. Either a thumbs up for scheduling the transplant, likely within 4-6 weeks of that date, or he'll be deemed as too fragile to endure the surgery. See, it goes on and on. An endless season of waiting, getting a grip, and anxiety.

I can do nothing except keep it together, buy more meat, and pray.

That has to be enough.