Wednesday, December 4, 2019

{reflecting}

This weekend I was asking my husband details about my mom's last stay at the hospital. I was having foggy memories related to it. Very strange, but probably, not unusual, I'll bet. 

I remember getting the phone messages, that Sunday morning in early February, and also recall not being sharp enough to braid my hair. I was sitting on the side of the bed, trying to get ready to leave for the hospital and, for the life of me, couldn't figure out how to work my fingers to braid my hair. 

Where my memories fail is after we got to the hospital. Don't remember waiting with her in the ER, her getting transferred to a room, or any details of that day. Gone. 

Maybe it's the holidays that are bringing this all up. Strong emotions during November, and especially December. 

There seems to be a portion of my brain with a sturdy lock. With a couple of my children's situations now, I seem able to deal with them by stuffing my true emotions in that locked vault. My nervous system goes into overdrive very quickly when certain topics pop  up. Can't deal.  

Allowing myself the grace to walk away, not overburden myself and rest. Mental rest is so deeply healing. And I'm planning on having a lowkey Christmas. By that I mean, just enjoying myself. Not getting into a state. Baking cookies early and freezing them. Cutting myself some slack because I'm often way too hard on myself. 

It's okay to say no, to limit my activities and be quiet. Why didn't I learn to practice this when I was much younger? The lessons learned come so late. 

Today I have chocolate peppermint coffee to put in my French press, and nothing hard to manage. I'll figure out dinner when I've stick my head in the freezer and dug around. 

A new library book to read, a few new strands of lights to tuck around and in the kitchen window and all is well. 

It is enough.