Thursday, January 30, 2020

{small mercies}

Sometimes it feels like I'm waiting for something to happen, not quite sure what, before I can start living. Maybe an odd thing to say, or maybe not so strange, considering I have 8 children. Holding my breath, praying for results, yearning to see positive change, but instead witnessing a greater falling away. Feeling like I can't take time to do what brings me personal joy, because they're so lost. 

We teach them about Christ, and try to instill morals and values that mirror our walk. Then, when we think (or they believe) they're ready, we do like the birds and push them, ever so gently,  out of our nest. Or they jump out voluntarily. 

Some flounder, some thrive. The flounderers beg for attention and the ones who succeed, all to often, don't get the credit they deserve. I'm guilty of allowing the wanderers to take up too much space in my head, often denying that attention to my grace-filled children, or to myself. 

Trying to make amends. 

So tired.

At 60 I'm rethinking how I approach the rest of my life. And as I admit to myself that positive behavior might not be witnessed in my lifetime, I will cherish them all, but will devote more effort on the ones who really care. I only have so much of me to give away. Seriously, pearls before swine. 

I loosen up the tenseness that lives daily in my shoulders and take a breath. Make small changes today that show my faithful children how proud they make me feel, not my effort, but theirs with God's help. 

No guilt, but encouraging words and prayers. It's all any of us can sometimes do.

Take care.