Monday, February 10, 2020

{a need for downtime}

Rainy. Having a quiet start to the day, but it will liven up shortly.  My Hazel will be here soon for a couple of hours. Her dad got a promotion with his FedEx job and has a training class to take this afternoon. He usually watches Hazel on Mondays, his day off, so it's nice we're free to jump in. 

Trying to focus. Seems I spend an inordinate amount of time in a zone, accomplishing nothing, all in a daze. If someone were to ask me, point blank, what the issue was I think I'd say I needed time to process stuff. 

Like yesterday. We had church, then a luncheon there followed by our annual meeting and clean-up after the eats. Got home at 2:30pm, and went out on the porch with my husband to sit and chat. Chill. Immediately a neighbor's relative walked up and asked me to come over to my neighbor's house across the street (said neighbor being in the hospital). 

We stood in her kitchen for a good 2 hours, talking about my neighbor's predicament and life in general. Fed her dogs, let them wander out back. My emotional self, however, was drained by the conversation because I'm not much of a talker. And this new acquaintance is a talker. Mercy. And my neighbor's house is a disaster because she's a hoarder, never throws out anything if it can be of some strange use, and she rarely cleans anything. To walk into her home is to visit in real-time a house in one of the hoarder television shows. It hurts my soul.

By the time I walked back home, I was exhausted. No time to process. 

Need to cultivate quiet later on today. Spend time tidying my own nest. My insides are all knotted up, acknowledging my neighbor's dilemma, and feeling a deep sadness because I'm afraid she won't be coming home soon, if ever, to being independent. And, shoot, she's not much older than I am, but because of her living conditions, she's damaged her own health. I even had a coughing fit after leaving her house. 

Too much going out and not enough coming in. When life keeps spewing out hard stuff, and her house and health are certainly hard stuff, you have to balance with some loveliness. 

Must cultivate beauty, enliven my senses. Focus on rest and life, not decay. 

A quiet rainy day. Spring is teasing us. I will focus on that.