Saturday, June 8, 2019

{coming to terms}

I have this trait, trips me up and causes me to freeze, or maybe lots of folks are like this. I'll get my life all squared away, think things are falling into place, and something will happen.

So, as soon as I come to terms with the kidney donation (transplant officially set for June 19th at 7:30am), maybe I get too comfortable in my head, thinking I've got this.

Well, our a/c went out on Thursday morning. Blowing warming air. Nuts.

A young man in our church works for a commercial HVAC company, but is trying to work on the side as well. Our unit is old, probably 35 for the heat and 25 or so for the air. Thankfully he can use his street smarts and do repairs which will give us another year, but a complete overhaul is in our future. He's here now.

My problem is that at this point in my life, my brain is so used up, and when the air blew warm Thursday morning, I sort of shut down. It was that 'one more thing' that throws us off our game. I'm frozen.

I can't think past getting the air fixed, weary of warm, damp air in the house, tripping over fans, droopy dogs and choosing not to use the oven. Life on hold. Haven't been able to work up the enthusiasm to grocery shop, and am sorta numb. As I said, emotionally spent.

Sometimes we get all used up, and while everyone doesn't process situations the same, as I shared with my husband last night, sometimes dealing with hard gets to be too much, and some of us begin to shut down.

And that's allowed. It really is. But there will always be those who blow through life, or roll their eyes at those of us who declare, even in a shaky voice, that enough is enough.

After this surgery is done, I'm going to recommend that our home goes through a period, likely the remainder of the summer, of healing, both physically for my husband, and emotionally for all of us.

Life is about seasons, a wave of passing situations, never stagnant, but ever-changing. If we stay in a state of drama for endless periods, life becomes painful, and drained of joy. That is my now.

A need for sanctuary. Soon.