Thursday, October 10, 2019

{thar she blows...}

Ok, gonna rant for a minute. Two things.

I get plenty of emails from different herbal/mental health sites with great links and information BUT, the new trend is for the majority of places to no longer write out information they want to share, but to put up a video.

While I *love* videos put up by friends, with the treat of seeing their homes and what they're currently involved in, I go nuts when all I see is instructional videos from everyone else.

Writing is getting to be a lost art.

Part of my angst is having a limited fast Internet speed. We have fast speed, then when it's used up, we're slow, but thankfully not ever charged a different price month to month. To watch any videos, I have to go to the library or to church. Not always convenient. 

I know. First world problem.

Plus, to watch a video, I have to sit through it. To read something, I can print it out, and enjoy it in little bits, go over it and savor.

I think I'm going through a grumpy pants stage.

Part two of my rant:   As a mom, feeling a bit of an outsider with my kids, with them into their things, and me, being Mom, I'm not quite as useful to have around as I once was. Empty nest syndrome without the empty nest. Always there's been at least one of my children who has been, for whatever reason, chummy with me. Now, not so much. Guess I've outgrown my chumminess.

Here's what I've learned lately:  Don't ask questions of the kids, which should be highlighted in bold type. They really aren't interested in sharing unless they decide to. Huge eye-opener for me. And not meaning to sound snarky, which I probably do, but I've been consistently bitten in the butt lately, and (slow to the party here), I came to the realization that I remain a mom, that entity who's good for a ride somewhere or a good dinner, but not wanted for instruction or help unless asked for.

Okay, that sounds rude, but I get it. Our kids are of varying ages...oldest 34 down to 17. I've been through the 'leave me alone and I'll tell you when I feel like it' routine so many times over, and it gets old. Just being honest. You end up feeling like the one who's not supposed to get hurt, you're made of stronger stuff surely, but still, it smarts.

And, oh, when you're wanted for sympathy and understanding, you get your timing all wrong with what you say as a supposed comfort, and you're back to square one. Sometimes it feels like I can't get it right.

I do feel like an outsider.

Thinking I need a day away. Me time. Frankly, the period of my life, when they were small, was easiest. Once their needs got more adult, gosh, plain hard.

I saw a young mom at the library yesterday and her four children were about 10 down to around 4. She talked to the librarian about homeschooling and apologized at their huge pile of books. I dunno. That stage was so long ago, and hope that sweet mom can savor the days. It's not easy. Or rather, in retrospect, parenting has never been easy.

Today dinner is in the crockpot, have schoolwork to finish with the youngest, no errands, just a home day. Will tidy my nest and seek some peace of mind. Read a quote this morning...'to heal it, you have to feel it.' True, but not always comfortable. 

Off to salvage my mood. Take care.