Monday, October 7, 2019

{with rain, comes autumn}

Been a drought here. Well, sort of. Six weeks or more since we'd had any soaking rain at our house. There'd been showers a week or so ago, but scattered, and just a teasing sprinkle here. Just enough to make the plants sad and feel forgotten.

The muckety-mucks had put up a burn ban warning recently, but the glorious rain last night, through this morning, put paid to that.

My heart is at ease now. When it's dry for any length of time, I get so deeply depressed. I need water around me, not for swimming, but for my soul. We live on the Mississippi, and while we rarely go downtown to look at it, I know it's there. When we moved to North Carolina, briefly, years ago, I was thrilled that a river was just down at the end of our block.

Cool and breezy outside now, around 60 degrees, bedroom window up, and I began my fall tidying last night while it rained. Pure bliss.

With the seasons changing FINALLY I need to rethink some things about how I live my life, mainly how I react to stressors.

Our kids. Big stressors, but I simply have to live lightly around them. One son has moved 4 times in the last year, and currently is very secretive about his doings. He's allowed that, but it's a concern. Other children, including him, worry me for their turning away from the Lord and running with enthusiasm into the world's arms. Must walk away, but for a mom, it hurts.

Problem is, I obsess over them, and that's not healthy.

You'll read articles about lessening stress, but I tend to roll my eyes at them. How does a person do that? How to not make everything that goes around me NOT a big deal? How to pray about stuff and actually let the responsiblity for solving it roll off me? That's hard. Sadly, I tend to wallow in my children's poor choices, beat myself up for however we brought them up that possibly contributes to their current lifestyles. Making myself too important in the scheme of things, when actually, I'm more background noise.

Just do today. Pray for God's Hand of protection over them today, and allow for Him to know way more than me. To not live as a shadow, grieving for what I can't change, but to open my own self to joy. Otherwise, I'll die of despair. 

Years ago I read about and saw a painting of a robin's nest being protected by the mother bird in a storm. She calmly (to all appearances) sat through the storm and guarded her eggs/babies. While all but 2 of my charges have flown the nest, I still have a job here, not so much there.

Letting go is hard, but my health will suffer if I continue to harbor such deep grief over my children.

Changes are slow, and I need to change. I'm reading a mystery with a main character suffering a stroke. The doctor says he needs to do 3 things: eat less, exercise, and lessen his stress.

The first 2 are doable, but to cut the stress? Seems insurmountable. But today, I'll try.

Take care.